This post is kind of word vomit-y, and I apologize for that. Had some shit on my mind and wanted to get it out there. :)
I had a dream last night.
It wasn’t crazy or profound or anything. It was just…nice.
I was with a guy. It was a guy who used to go to school with (not that this is relevant, not sure why it was him) and we were on a train (no idea why we were on the train, but just go with me here). We were a couple, or at the very least we were dating. I don’t remember too many specifics (and no it wasn’t a sex dream, I do know that much). But, I felt happy.
I felt really happy, and it was really nice.
But then I woke up, and I wasn’t really all that happy anymore. I wasn’t “crawl into a fetal position in the corner” depressed or anything, I was just my usual “meh” self.
I’ve been kind of “meh” for a really long time now. I do have happy moments, of course, and I am capable of recognizing them. And truth be told, I know I have a lot going for me, and a lot going right in my life right now.
But I could have more, and I think I’m finally starting to come around to really wanting it. I woke up this morning coming off a pretty nice “happiness” high, and it made me realize just how lonely I am, and how much of a “fuck it” attitude I’ve had about everything lately.
The diet has gone to shit, I’ve gotten fatter, I’ve been skimping on CrossFit, and it’s dragging me down overall. If I go out, it’s either in gym shorts or sweat pants. Almost all of my time is spent in front of the computer (some if this is legit, but the rest of it is just BSing). I don’t really go out with friends.
Part of it is stress, I’m sure. I’m working long hours, I’m in school, and I’m starting a business. But the rest of it? I don’t really have an excuse for it, I just don’t really care.
I’m kind of tired of not caring. That dream gave me a glimpse of something I’ve been missing. And no, I’m not saying I need a man, but I do need some goddamned happiness.
And I think part of the way to find it is to start get my shit together and start acting like a god damned human being again.
I’ve set a few goals for myself. I’m going to get back on track with the weight loss and tracking, I’m going to get back into a regular workout routine, I’m going to start going back to therapy, I’m going to put limits on my non work/school/business/blog computer time, and I’m going to start being around other people again (even if its just taking my computer to the library to work, or walking around the mall).
I also want to start getting back into some hobbies. I was doing some pretty cool shit with the Perler beads, but I haven’t touched them in nearly a year. I still want to learn an instrument. I want to get back into stargazing.
Not saying there won’t be days where I just want to veg, but there is a difference between vegging out and being a full blown hermit.
I’m almost 30 years old :::cringe:::, and I’m ready to actually live the rest of my life.