I have been doing to “weight loss blogging” thing off and of for nearly 5 years now. It’s been a great experience, and I’ve met some people and have tried new things, but at the end of it all, I am still much heavier than when I started.
I’ve falling off track, I’ve gotten back on track, I’ve justified, I’ve made excuses. You name it, and if it’s detrimental to progress, I have done it.
I am only a few months from turning 30, and I am not where I wanted to be at this time. The falling off track, the justifications, and the excuses are doing me no favors, and they need to stop.
The hiding does me no favors either. Hiding from you. Hiding from friends and family. Hiding from everyone, really.
I have been doing this for 5 years, but there is a big aspect of this journey that I have kept hidden from everyone.
I have an eating disorder.
Well…two eat disorders, really. Binge eating, and bulimia.
The binge eating has gone on since I was a kid, and while I have never put the “disorder” tag on it, I have written about binges throughout the years. The bulimic (or purging) aspect of it all, is news to you. Who says you can’t keep blogging interesting, right?
Anyway, the purging has been off and on for nearly a decade now. It’s not always constant, but it happens often enough.
It’s happened a lot over the past few months.
But it hasn’t happened within the past week.
A couple of years ago, I made a commitment to myself to get into therapy and to work out my issues. I’ve been in therapy, but I only disclosed the eating disorder a few months ago (and that was right before a lapse in sessions, so really I’ve only seen the therapist 3-4 times since I fessed up). I know it’s stupid to have not admit it, but it’s fucking embarrassing. It’s bad enough I’m seeing a therapist because I want to eat everything in sight, but to see one because I barf it up too? That was going too far.
I thought I could handle it on my own. I can’t. I know that now.
About a week ago I made a conscious effort to try to put a stop to all of it, once and for all. I’ve focused on eating more “normal” portions at “normal” times, and I haven’t thrown up anything. Last week I went to a meeting with a free support group, and in a couple of days I’ll be meeting with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders in men (my current guy is awesome, but this is way outside of his realm).
I’m tired, and I’m ready for a change. I have done myself no favors in ignoring this aspect of me, and all it has done is derailed me at every turn. I’m tired of blowing massive amounts of money on take out only to have it end up down the drain within the hour. I’m tired of clogging up said drains with partially digested food. I’m tired of trying to cover up the smell of barf on my breath and fingers. I’m tired of having to run the sink so no one can hear what I am doing.
I do want to make clear though, that I do not believe this blog has proven detrimental in this regard. What I did open up about was very beneficial, and I never threw up anything the night before I did a weigh in or anything like that. By the time I was throwing up, I had long gone silent blogwise. I really wish I had fessed up to you guys sooner, because I know there are many of you who would have done everything they could to make sure I was getting help.
I’m sorry if any of you have felt like I deceived you, but this is the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to admit to. Coming out was hard enough, and I felt that this would be a billion times worse. It’s not easy, but now that I know I am getting help, writing all of this isn’t freaking me out nearly as much as I would have anticipated.
So there we go. I’m even more of a mess than I have previously let on, but I’m finally owning it and working on it.
I want to thank those of you who are still reading for allowing me to open up, but I’d kind of like to ask that you refrain from voicing any sort of support/pity/whatever in the comments. I don’t want to hear how brave I am, or how you’re glad I’m finally getting help, etc…etc… I don’t mean any offense when I say that, it’s just that I don’t really want to call anymore attention to this than necessary. I plan to be open and honest about it from here on out, but this isn’t who I am, and it’s not who I am going to be. I don’t want to be remembered for this.